It’s November, boom! That’s crept up on you, hasn’t it? It seems like just yesterday you were wishing for anything but another summer of mediocre weather and now, all of a sudden, you’re balls-deep in Christmas family politics and wishing for anything but another mediocre New Year’s Eve.
Yep, 2011 has flown by – It’s 12 Months, 52 weeks, 365 days will soon all be gone, vanished – consigned to the history books. And by history books I, of course, mean the Encyclopaedia Britannica I-Pad app or ‘history-book-download’ for your kindle, #wheredidthe21stcenturygo?
So, what will 2011 be remembered for? From the imminent financial implosion of the Eurozone to the revolutionary Arab Spring, it has been a year of truly epic headlines. ....
And we could remember 2011 for those politically charged and culturally relevant topics. Or, instead, we could realise this is Viva Magazine and not Newsnight. Here are just a few of the more surreal and farcical stories that made us at Viva Towers crack a wry smile in Y2K + 11.
Far from merry for Blackberry
The telecoms world recently found out blackberries are best used for a nice summer-fruit crumble rather than be masqueraded as a smartphone. Smug suited-and-booted city types and riot-planning-hoodlums usually have very little in common. But the torch they hold for their beloved BB messenger service and QWERTY keypad sees them share a unique harmony. However, this all came crashing down (literally) in October when a majority of BB services refused to work. Well at least the financial markets and footlockers were safe for a few days.
Speed freak pensioner
Some people are born with that need for speed and some people are Caroline Turner. In September, the Essex pensioner was chased for 27 miles by police...at 10mph. Ignoring flashing blue lights, she only stopped when a policeman jogged alongside her vehicle, knocked on her window and ordered her to pull over. Rumours she is set to take over Jeremy Clarkson on Top Gear due to BBC cuts are yet to be confirmed.
Swede nuked in Kitchen...nearly
While UN diplomats would have you believe that 2011’s greatest nuclear threats were from Pyongyang, Tehran or an eighties Russian cliché, they were wrong. In fact the world was nearly ended by an unemployed Swedish man with too much time – and radioactive material – on his hands.
Rather than putting some flat-pack furniture together Richard Handl from Angelholm in southern Sweden, tried to build a nuclear reactor in his kitchen. When arrested (after documenting his activities on facebook and his blog) he said: ‘I was just curious to see if it was possible, it is just a hobby.’
2011 – An African Space Odyssey
From a Swede’s nuclear kitchen to a Ugandan backyard space odyssey – you couldn’t make this up. Chris Nsamba is the founder of the African Space Research Programme. Based in the central African country’s capital, Kampala, the organisation’s grandiose title certainly sounds the part. However, Chris’s space shuttle is a plane...with no engine...in his back garden!
But what he lacks in equipment, facilities and trillions of dollars of funding, he makes up for in ambition: ‘I’ll have it in space in four to six years’ he says. Viva salutes you, Sir.
Smoked rabbit or baked Alaska
Alaska is a snowy land of contrasts, home to jaw-dropping natural beauty, politicians with jaw-dropping levels of stupidity and, of course, heroic rabbits. In September a pet rabbit was credited for saving its owner from a house fire by scratching on her chest while she was asleep.
The owner awoke and, realising the house was full of smoke, got her daughter and fled. The blaze was quickly put out and damage to the house was minimal. Even more importantly, there were no injuries to the mother and daughter. Yet, like so many tragic heroes and tales of legends – it wasn’t a completely happy ending. The rabbit was not so lucky, succumbing to smoke inhalation and dying, leaving us to ask the question – ‘how can light that burned so brightly, suddenly burn so pale?’
Monkey business nuptials
In April millions around the world watched Prince William marry his beloved Kate Middleton in the fairytale wedding of the century. Just two months later and thousands of miles away, another wedding took place that would shake an entire continent...sort of.
In July, the wedding of Chinki and Raju in Northwest India was ruled illegal by local and national authorities, but the star-crossed lovers fled into the forest where they were married in secret. But what had Chinki and her groom Raju done to enrage the lawmakers?
‘It’s illegal to marry a monkey. Anyone found doing that or attending the marriage ceremony will be arrested’ said forest range officer Bhavar Singh Kaviya – that’s right the Romeo and Juliet of India were a right pair of Monkeys!
And so to 2012 – what on earth will the next 12 months hold for us. More backyard space travel or primate love stories - who knows? But to whet your appetite, here are a couple of predictions from the soothsayers we keep locked away for just such an occasion....
Inevitable England
This is not so much a prediction as a soul-destroying, mind-crushing inevitability. Yes, Euro 2012 is next summer and with it comes the blind faith of a nation who will be rewarded with a Quarter-final, penalty shootout knock-out at the hands of the Germans or Portugal. Wayne Rooney will be vilified and WAGs will be called into question…and then we’ll start counting down to the 2014 World Cup.
This is Stockkkkkpppoooorrtt - The end of Greater Manchester?
Remember when Bolton was in Lancashire and Stockport was in Cheshire? No - neither do I. It was in the ‘good old days’ when people ate sunshine and lived in a Warburton’s advert. Nowadays Bolton and Stockport are in Greater Manchester, but the pair are battling for City Status in the Queen’s 2012 Diamond Jubilee celebrations.
Each town wants to ‘define their identity’ away from Manchester. Earlier this year the University of Salford sparked outrage among its citizens with a marketing campaign that branded Salford part of Manchester, rather than a city in its own right.
Is this the end? Is Greater Manchester falling part? Is it set to become a group of warring city states like ancient Greece? Well, even if it did…it’d still be better than Liverpool.
The End of Days!
Don’t shoot the messenger – even if the messenger is the harbinger of doom! Yes, 2012 is the end of the world…again. This year the prophecy comes from the ancient Mayans. Believers say that the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar’s 5000 year cycle ends on December 21st 2012. It will lead to an apocalyptic series of events, culminating in the end of human civilization as we know it. Well, at least you won’t have to do any Christmas shopping.
words: Jordan Kenny
